A few minutes after three in the afternoon, Charles Royce was awakened by the ringing of his telephone.? He scrambled to get free of the five blankets that were resting comfortably atop him.? It had been a cold morning
? Charles found the phone and into the transmitter he managed a bleak ?yeah…?
? ?Hello.? My name is Kevin Buckler and I?m representing the City of Santa Monica.?? Charles began to fall back asleep as Kevin went on with his well-rehearsed presentation.? ?We?re conducting a survey to see what the citizens know about Hazardous Household Materials and what they think about them.? Are you over eighteen??
? Charles gave a startled snort and resumed his dream from where he left off, right before the phone rang.
? ?All right.? The survey will take about ten to fifteen minutes to complete.? Do you have the time to do this now??? Kevin paused in anticipation of Charles? response.? ?Hello??
? Then he shouted, ?Hey!?
? Charles was amazed to find a phone in his hand.? He began taking stock of where he was and what was going on, and then in a panic he realized that he needed to make an important phone call by 3:15 p.m.? He thought for a moment, glanced at the clock and without hanging up the phone, started dialing.
???What the hell are you doing?!? Hey!? My name is Kevin Buckler and I?m representing the City of Santa Monica!?
? Charles finished dialing in time to hear a voice exclaim, ?City of Santa Monica!?? He was very excited by this exuberant display of local patriotic enthusiasm, so he replied, ?You?d better believe it!?
? Kevin hung up the phone.? He was so agitated by this civically inept Santa Monica resident that he threw his complimentary ?Heal The Bay? dead fish doll across the office.? He then went whimpering after it, hoping it was okay.
? Well, Charles Royce had to make his important phone call again, and this time he heard a dull, monotonous voice tell him, ?City of Santa Monica Haz Mat Research and Development Department.? This is Theo, how can I help you??
? ?Yes.? Hello.?? He cleared his throat.? ?Excuse me.? Yes.? I?m calling you, yes?? I?m trying to find out about some research, or if there has been any.? Uh.? If you have any information about Titranium Sloafisms.? That?s why I?m calling.?
? ?Whutzat, what are you looking for??
? ?Tie-train-ee-um-Slow-fff-isms.?
? ?Hang on, I?ll get somebody who can help you.?
? Charles sat up in bed now.? He was cleaning in between his toes when a squalid voice came on the line.
? ?Yes.? Hello, this is Kevin.? How can I help you??
? Impatiently, Charles said, ?Well??
? ?Well what.? How can I help you??
? ?Didn?t that other guy, Simon, tell you what I needed help with??
? ?No, sir.? I?m sorry, sir.? Simon?s new around here and he must have forgotten about our strict policies that stipulate we are not to ask our customers what they need help with twice.?
? ?Uh-huh.? Just forget it, Alex, and gimme everything you got on Titranium Sloafisms.?
? Shocked, Kevin inquired, ?Titranium Sloafisms?? Sir?
? ?You heard me!? Wonderful!? My e-mail address is Theo716@aol.com, send everything there.?? Charles hung up.
? Oh boy!? Kevin was sure excited to find out that a citizen of Santa Monica knew about Titranium Sloafisms.? He rushed over to his desk so that he could update his ?Citizen?s Knowledge of Hazardous Household Materials? survey.? Just then, Kevin noticed that someone had left a report on his desk, right underneath his complimentary ?Heal The Bay? dead fish doll.
? The report was printed on orange paper and was entitled, ?A Recipe for Disaster: Fishing for Dinner off the Santa Monica Pier.?? It was extensively footnoted and had a great cover page.
? Kevin ignored the report.? He, like anyone, would have much rather been mildly entertained by a series of random variable screen savers on his computer screen.? The one he stared at now had thirteen identical owls that flew through the crescent moon night, found one of thirteen perches, looked around, then flew through the crescent moon night again only to return to the perches.? Kevin became frustrated with trying to figure out the owls? patterns, so he searched for the file entitled ?T.S. Elite? and sent it to Charles? e-mail address.
? ?T.S. Elite? was a small file since there hadn?t been much research done on this obscure Hazardous Household Material.? It was only within the last year that Titranium Sloafisms were discovered.
? Charles? neighbor, a freelance photographer named Frank Person, discovered them one night while making a vegan stew.? As the story goes, Frank had accidentally scheduled two clients for headshots that night, so instead of cancelling one and possibly losing their business, he decided to make dinner for everybody so they would feel welcome amongst the confusion.
? Kevin Buckler was one of those two clients.? Manny Faggenbaum, a confused yet emphatic old man with a terrible lateral lisp, was the other.
? As usual, Frank added chopped tofu to the stew, even though the filtered water in which the tofu was stored hadn?t been changed for five days.? Hours before Kevin and Manny arrived, Frank tasted the stew and, so it seems, suffered a language impairment known as aphasia.? The next day, when Charles asked him what happened, Frank said, ?Titranium Sloafisms.?
? It was Kendra Spiff, though, the bandleader of Local Beauticians Toying with Death, who first smelled something terrible in the hallway.? She was just leaving Charles Royce?s apartment when Frank tasted the vegan stew next door.
? Kendra, who was allergic to everything that is bad for humans, hurriedly knocked on Charles? door, waited for him to answer, and then rushed to the telephone.? She called Santa Monica?s Hazardous Household Materials Collection Team and screamed, ?I smell something!? Quick!? Send those guys in the orange suits!? Quick!? Help!?
? Kendra never lied, except when she sang.? Her band, Local Beauticians Toying with Death was scheduled to open tonight for Charles? band, Theodore Time Driver over at In The Mix, Santa Monica?s hottest new club.? The two of them hadn?t seen or spoken to each other since the night of Frank?s transformation into aphasia.? Kendra and Charles had a spooky and intuitive relationship.
? Kevin Buckler had been a dedicated fan Theodore Time Driver for at least four years, and right now he was trying to get a hold of two tickets for tonight?s sold-out show.? Kevin even left his desk early today, something which he hadn?t done since the Haz Mat Collection Team was called in on an emergency to investigate Frank Person?s apartment.
? Well, Local Beauticians Toying with Death was on stage down at In The Mix.? It was a great club.? Everybody there was guaranteed to feel like a rock star.? Kevin never managed to get tickets for the show, so he arrived before the band did and told the club?s owner, Mario Beachcomber, that he was supposed to do a special cleanup of all the Hazardous Household Materials in the place.? Kevin also told Mario that the band had a habit of setting things on fire.? Kevin was wearing an orange, self-contained atmosphere suit that weighed eighty pounds.? He was very convincing.
? Kevin hid in the janitorial supplies closet for most of the show, but he did get to hear some of Kendra Spiff?s latest work.? He might have heard this:?
So what now if he is the Question Genghis Khan knew you answered.
Then after ten or twenty more of you,
Don?t call me back because his phone
Doesn?t work.? Can you hear me?
Well, same to you!
I can?t hear you!
? That was Local Beauticians Toying with Death?s last song before Theodore Time Driver started setting up their instruments.? They were going to debut a song entitled ?Frank Person.?? Charles had jsut finished writing it when he came out of the bathroom and walked past the janitorial supplies closet, where Kevin, in his orange eighty-pound self-contained atmosphere suit, was losing consciousness.
? However, he did manage to stay alive long enough to hear Charles? voice introduce Theodore Time Driver?s new song.? Then he laid his head upon a can of Manny Faggenbaum?s Famous Paint Thinner.? It wasn?t until the second set when one of the bouncers, who was looking for something to sniff, found Kevin dead.
? After the show, Mario Beachcomber wouldn?t comment on the incident to the local newspapers.? However, Frank Person, who now worked for Civic Graffiti, showed up and managed to get some good headshots of Kevin, after all, for the front page story.
? Here?s what Kevin missed: The boys in the band swept the audience far away into other realms.? All associations with this world seemingly disappeared, as though Theodore Time Driver was a prophet.? Then out of this seductive kaleidoscope of sound, Charles began to sing his new song, which was heavily influenced by the information Kevin Buckler had e-mailed him earlier that day, as well as his conversations with the incomprehensible aphasiac, Frank Person.? But as you will hear, ?Frank Person? was not so unique.? In fact, the song seemed to mimic what is commonly heard today on America?s Hot Top 50 albums.? This is what Charles Royce sang:
Angus Tarripoi, nobody?s on my side.
Just back and you know what I mean.
Starfish haven?t jicama.
So green Ralph.
Twenty Slazz, hope it?s mentioned.
Garnish with Titranium Sloafisms.
